Always Faithful

Throughout my life, I've never been a Lothario. At times I wanted to be one, but some small voice would hold me back. I've always been faithful from my first love to my present marriage of nearly 42 years. Adultry has never been a part of my life. Never having to dissemble or lie about my activities or whereabouts has made my homecomings much more pleasant...and much less anxious.

Despite my physical faithfulness, I haven't been the model mate in other ways...there were often other types of mistresses. Alluring sirens whose seductive messages attracted me were always competing for my commitment. Politics, writing, broadcasting, and to a lessor extent, even teaching have drawn me away from my duties, my obligations as a significant-other, a husband or a father.

It hasn't always been like that for me. For the first twenty-five years of my life, I was fearful of commitment. I had calculated that if I didn't invest my passion and myself, then the prospect of failure wouldn't be so painful. By not trying, I avoided facing the realization that I may not be up to the task at hand. This pattern was my modus operandi in academics, athletics, the arts and life. I participated in everything with half-measures. I lacked self confidence and was convinced that my best would never be good enough to excell...so why bust my tail?

Maybe it was experience...or perhaps it was the understanding that my life was slipping away with no significant accomplishment or effort, but I turned it on following my twenty-fifth birthday. I switched from disengaged to obsessive...from uncommitted to "all in." The change has given me the courage to be wrong, and the strength to be less than the very best, but it has cost me some valuable time with those who have been my biggest supporters.

As I live in the sixth decade of my life, I still obsess and invest. I'm smarter now, and if I fail, I understand that I have been defeated. I am not a loser. If you don't agree with that assessment, then you can go to hell. Deep within me I know that I have given my best and for now, that's good enough.